Now I've said before that QTEs sometimes work if they're a core part of gameplay, and in this case they're core, flesh, seeds, branch, and the entire fucking apple tree. The other mode is what I would reservedly call the action scenes, preanimated sequences dotted with quick-time events. Except I'm coming off the medication for some kind of serious dental procedure, because the remote-control tank style movement controls are shampoo-drinkingly awful. It's like playing a simulation of me trying to get some writing done. You walk around someone's house, staring at the contents of the fridge, fiddling with the ornaments, looking for the action that keeps the plot going or just waiting for enough time to pass for someone else to do it. The first can best be described as a time-killing simulator. The gameplay aspect, or "interactive storytelling experience" play aspect, rather, is split between two modes. And then there's another hour or so of moping around before the next hilarious tragedy strikes. It's like there's a big neon sign on the roof saying, "Tragedy striking in 10," or rather in about in hour. Everything's so fucking saccarine and happy families in the opening scenes, too. Your kids come home, you play with your kids, then you stab your kids with a knife! Oh no, wait, that was just me stabbing an electrical socket to make something interesting happen. Meanwhile, Heavy Rain starts: you wake up, have a shower, get dressed, slap yourself in the face, have a drink, go sit in the garden for a while. You've got 30 seconds to wash off the blood and stuff the corpse into a bin, and you haven't even pulled your socks up. But say what you like about Fahrenheit, at least stuff happened in it! The game starts, BOOM, you've stabbed a bloke. It was a pretentious river of quick-time events with a plot that got its head caught in a bucket of doolally half-way through. Now, say what you like about Fahrenheit-thank you, I think I will. Baron von Teapot's Fucking Ludicrous Adventure, and it's presumably an attempt to make this particular brand of brown, drippy lightning strike twice. Heavy Rain is the spiritual sequel to Fahrenheit, A.K.A. As it happens, all we have on hand is a game critic, which is a shame, because as a game it's a stack of poo-poo pancakes garnished with Ian Thorpe mousse. I could pass it on to a film critic, but I already know what one would say: "Why is this film ten hours long? Why do I have to hold this curious, V-shaped piece of plastic? If I just say 'It's great,' will you quote me on the poster?" I think we need a whole new kind of critic for Heavy Rain, critics of "interactive storytelling experiences," or "wankers," as they will come to be known. Okay, they both splash about in water, but you'd be embarrased if you tried to make mousse out of Ian Thorpe. I'm a game critic, you see, and Heavy Rain is a game in the same way that Ian Thorpe is a salmon. I can't help but feel I've come in the wrong door.
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